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MATT HIGH.... THE AWFUL AMERICAN NOVEL?
Yep. I'm working on a bookish type thing in creative writing based on Matt High. Here it is so far. Chapter 1 It was Wednesday morning in Matt City. Jimmie Millard, Joseph Crawford, Gordie Earl, Lloyd Jacob, Cooper Loyd, and Kody Vernon were outside Matt High, the high school they were about to go in. But it wasn’t time yet. Homeroom started at 8:30, and according to Joseph’s super awesome watch, it was only 8:27. They were talking about what happened during their summer (but only August, because they all partied together all July long (with a few other characters you will meet later.)) Jimmie went to a baseball game. (The Matt City Cubers won.) Joseph went to the moon to play golf. Gordie played video games for 50 hours straight and didn’t die. New world record! Kody made a 3x3 cube, called the Matt Cube by Kody Matthew Vernon. Lloyd made a YouTube channel and got 500,000 subscribers within a week. Cooper ate 70 hot dogs in an hour. When Joseph was talking about his 11th moon birdie in a row, the bell rang. “Oops, time to go to class. GOGOGOGOGOGO!” Joseph screamed. Cooper trailed behind everyone else, and the homeroom teacher, Mr. Fattie, said, “Cooper Loyd, detention for being one second late.” “Seriously?” said Garfield Foster (the first of many characters you will meet as this story progresses. And while I’m here, Garfield also has an identical twin brother, Jed. Just thought you should know so you won’t be wondering why Mr. Fattie is confused. Oops.) (Aaand I forgot the period). (There we go.) “Yep, rules are rules, unfortunately. I don’t make them, I just follow them,” Mr. Fattie said. “Wow, you are really stupid. One second late? Right, so you would give someone detention for being one millimeter off where they should be standing? Also, you’re fat.” “I AM NOT.” “Yes you are.” “I AM NOT.” “Yes you are.” Mr. Fattie looked down at himself and said, “Oh, never mind. I thought I was my skinny alter ego.” “You’re weird,” said Jed. “I AM NOT.” “Woah woah woah, not this time, old man.” “Welp, the point is, detention for you, Mr. Loyd.” Cooper said, “WHY DOES THE UNIVERSE HATE SQUIRRELS?!” “What the fish?” Mr. Fattie said. “I may or may not be half squirrel,” Cooper said. “Ooo....kay?” Kody pretended that made sense. Cooper went to sit down. “Don’t worry, Cooper. We’re going to get you out of detention, because Mr. Fattie may or may not have come up with the rules and may or may not be lying,” Gordie said. “Wait, what?” Jed said. (Heh, rhymes.) “How did we all end up in detention?” “And is it just me or did we miss lunch?” said Cooper. “Oh, that? I got stuff. Jed and I get free lunch from Matt’s Brand New Restaurant,” said Garfield. “Why?” asked Cooper. “The owner of the restaurant, Matt Foster, is our dad, so we get stuff for free,” explained Garfield and Jed in unison. “Woah, how are you guys so in sync?” said Kody, a little freaked out. “Twin telepathy, what can I say?” they said in unison... again. “Wouldn’t it be ‘what can we say?’” said Gordie. “Who cares?” said Lloyd. (And to you, Lloyd, the answer is no one, except the people in the National Grammar Rules Association.) Jimmie suggested they all explain why they all ended up in detention. Lloyd went first. “It was in science class, wiggle wiggle wiggle. Wiggle wiggle wiggle,” (What, you want an explanation? Oh yeah, in Lloyd’s mind there was a ripple that faded into science class. That makes no sense because no one else saw it.) Lloyd was in science class, and Mr. Hartmann was giving a lecture on quantum physics. Meanwhile, Jasper was being really annoying. “Hey Lloyd. Hey Lloyd. Heyyyyyyy Lloyd.” “Pow.” Lloyd made a gun gesture at Jasper. “MR. HARTMAAAAAAAN!” Jasper screamed. “Woah woah woah. What is going on here?” Mr. Hartmann said as he came over. “Lloyd made a gun gesture at me and said ‘Pow,’” Jasper explained to Mr. Hartmann. “DETENTION for you, Lloyd.” “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!” screamed Jasper. “Not so fast, Jasper. You get detention for screaming so loud. Also slamming the table with a ruler loudly, playing loud music on your phone while we’re working, chewing on potato chips loudly in class, being late loudly, coming to school with loud hair, coming to school with a loud shirt, coming to school with loud talking shoes, tapping on your iPad with no intention, also loudly, being quiet loudly, singing ‘Happy Birthday’ loudly, and millions of other loud things.” “Are you serious?” Jasper said, not loudly. In the middle of writing what Mr. Hartmann just said, the author of this awful story went to Google to make sure loud is still a word. (checks) Yep, it’s a word. Sometimes when you write stuff and you’re saying the same word many times, do you ever look back and think, “Wait a minute, is that even a word anymore?” Well, unless you’re typing something like “olfgndkljgnfxjognb;lgbmxfndjvxondf;ghkjres gkjfgsmndd gkjfgsmndd gkjfgsmndd gkjfgsmndd gkjfgsmndd gkjfgsmndd gkjfgsmndd,” I’d say yes. If you’re saying something like that, then you’re either crazy or random. Wait, so does me typing gkjfgsmndd 7 times make me crazy random? I think yes. Wait, so where was I? Ah. “Erp. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO NO ONE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO NO ONE! THIS SONG IS COPYRIGHTED! AND I’M ABOUT TO GET SUED, EXPELLED, AND BEATEN BY LLOYD AND MR. HARTMAAAAAAAAAN!” Jasper said, then ran out of the room. “I.... I quit. He just left 20 minutes early,” Mr. Hartmann said, then jumped out the window onto the principal’s bike. “Ohhh..... hi Matt.” The principal, Matt Wolf, then beat Mr. Hartmann and fired him. Back upstairs, Lloyd and Jasper were looking out the window at what happened. “Sooooo, does this mean no detention?” said Jasper. Mr. Hartmann flew towards the window on his trusty jetpack. “Nope.” “Awww...” Category:Randomness